Is your Therapist Ruining your Relationship?

Why couples, marriage and Sex Problems Need an Approach for both of you.

Sometimes individual therapy can do a salvagable relationship more harm than good.

Most of us are told that therapy is ALWAYS a good thing, and often people add that if you’re struggling in your relationship, seeing your own therapist can only help.

But in my clinical experience, individual therapy can sometimes sound the death knell for a couple or a marriage, especially when the issue is sex.

And yes, that might sound strange coming from me, an individual therapist myself.
I work one-to-one with clients all the time. But I’m also a strong advocate for joint couple therapy when the challenges are deeply relational or sexual in nature, because these issues rarely exist in isolation. They live in the space between two people, not within just one.

This isn’t about blaming individual therapy or individual therapists. The simple truth is though, that most individual therapists are simply not trained in the more intertwined and nuanced therapy work needed both for sex and relationship work.

It’s also about recognising that what heals the individual isn’t always what fixes the relationship, and when sex, desire, and emotional intimacy are involved, those two paths can actually go in painfully different directions.

The problem with treating relationship problems in isolation

When one partner goes to individual therapy for sexual frustration, rejection, or relationship disconnection, their therapist naturally takes their side, because that’s their job. The therapist works to create a safe space of non-judgment and to validate their client’s experience, reduce shame, and encourage self-advocacy.

All good things. Have I mentioned I REALLY love therapy lately?!

But when that validation happens without understanding the full relational dance, it can turn into something else.

• Maybe one partner is encouraged to “speak their truth,” while the other feels blindsided.

• Things like sexual issues can be framed as personal boundaries or incompatibilities, rather than symptoms of a deeper relational imbalance.

• Perhaps the couple becomes even more polarised and distant, one person leaving feeling empowered, the other feeling defensive or shamed.

The result? The relationship often becomes less secure, not more.

Sex isn’t just ‘Your problem’, it’s a relational one

Desire differences, sexual avoidance, or emotional shutdown around intimacy aren’t “yours” or “theirs” problems, they’re co-created patterns and reactions that live between two people.

Trying to treat them individually is like trying to fix a dance by only training one dancer. You might improve their steps, but if the music and timing of the partnership don’t change, they’ll still trip over each other.

That’s why sex therapy for couples focuses on the whole system, not the symptom.
We look at:

• How each partner contributes to the dynamic, consciously or unconsciously.

• What patterns of disconnection or resentment block intimacy.

• What other considerations we need to take into account - could their be a medical or life stage issue? Is there a cultural or societal attitude that’s causing problems?

Sexual frustration often masks deeper issues of power, vulnerability, or resentment

When individual therapy makes couples unhappier - by accident…

I’ve worked with many couples where one or both partners have spent years in individual therapy, and yet the relationship is more distant or unhappy than ever.

Couples expert Terry Real calls this ‘stable misery’ and in sex therapy, this can often look like a sexless relationship or a ‘dead bedroom’.

Why? Because traditional therapy often prioritises self-expression over relational repair.

For example:

• A partner might be encouraged to “honour their truth” about not wanting sex, without unpacking how avoidance can damage connection. Veto and gaining consent are crucial aspects of sex, but undiscussed and long-term avoidance can destroy the relationship from within.

• Another partner might be told to set firmer boundaries, when what’s really needed (and wanted) is learning to reconnect safely after years of unmet needs.

Without a relational framework and without a specially-trained sex and couples therapist, the couple drifts apart, both feeling more righteous but far less intimate.

What a relational and sex-positive approach offers instead

A couples therapist or trained sex therapist working with both partners can hold the whole picture, not just one person’s story.
That means:

• Supporting each partner’s growth without losing sight of the couple’s bond AND without considering the relationship, not each individual party the primary client.

• Addressing desire differences and sexual challenges as a both an intimate team AND with everyone taking their relevant personal level of responsibility.

• Helping each person take accountability for how they show up emotionally, sexually, and relationally.

In my couples therapy and sex therapy work, I like to say that no one is the villain, and no one is the victim. Both partners co-create the dance, and both can learn to co-create something better (or choose to end the relationship if that’s the right outcome for them).

The bottom line

If you’re struggling in your sex life or relationship, individual therapy might not be enough, and it can even backfire if it deepens blame or distance.

A relational, sex-positive approach can help you move from “who’s right” to “what’s happening between us?”

Because intimacy doesn’t live in isolation. It lives in the space between two people, and that’s where the real work belongs.

What’s next for you?

If you and your partner are stuck in repetitive, upsetting arguments about sex, intimacy, or emotional connection, you don’t have to face it alone.

As a trained couples therapist and trained sex therapist who is working on a PhD in Clinical Sexology, I have both the training and the transformative therapeutic programmes that are designed to help couples like you.

If you feel you’re on the brink with your relationship at the moment, or want to move away from two people in individual therapy to a couples approach that actually makes an impact, contact me for a consult.

You can also read more about my sex therapy work here, so that you too can reconnect and rebuild intimacy that lasts.

Warmly,

Lucy Orton, Registered Counsellor, Couples Coach and Sex Therapist