ALL OF US STRANGERS: A STUNNING EXPLORATION OF HEALING
How a beautiful - and devastating - film offers a moving insight into love, loss, healing and how we can process our own trauma.
TW: Grief, loss, homophobia, trauma recovery, developmental trauma, bullying.
As a counsellor, IFS therapist and coach, I often discuss popular culture with clients, and find that films in particular can offer insights that complement healing within the therapy room; what may take chapters to explain in a book can be expressed in moments in a piece of highly crafted cinematic art.
In this blog post, which is the first of several linking films to the deep work that I do with clients, I’m digging into a recent movie that I think makes for extremely valuable watching to many clients going through their own healing and processing journeys.
SPOILER ALERT: This post contains information (and an embedded video clip) which reveals critical elements of the film; please refrain from reading if you want to watch the film with completely fresh eyes!
British film, All Of Us Strangers (2023 dir. Andrew Haigh) received rave reviews from both critics and audiences alike, with many considering it to have been most unfairly overlooked at the Oscars this year. It stars two talented and in-demand Irish actors, Andrew Scott and Paul Mescal, as well as the truly incredible Claire Foy, and Jamie Bell.
The film focuses on a screenwriter, Adam (Andrew Scott), who is drawn back to his childhood home as he attempts to write about and simultaneously process his past, whilst at the same time he is entering into a fledgling and passionate relationship with a mysterious neighbour, Harry (Paul Mescal). Adam finds himself revisiting his childhood home and meeting his parents, who appear to be frozen in time, at the age they were just before they died.
HOW ‘ALL OF US STRANGERS’ LINKS WITH WHAT HAPPENS IN THE THERAPY ROOM
The film contains many themes which are regularly explored in my therapy room: grief and loss (Adam lost both his parents in a car crash at 12 years old), loneliness, unprocessed trauma, identity and LGBTQIA+ challenges including homophobia and bullying, and how the way we were parented can affect the rest of our lives.
All Of Us Strangers has links with many psychotherapeutic approaches, concepts and styles. But one of the ways in which this film is most moving for me, is in the huge parallels between the way Adam was finally able to engage and work with his complex and layered grief, and the specific processes used in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) modality.
The incredibly affecting scene below shows how Adam, in meeting with his parents in this ghostly-but-real way, gets to explore the mistakes his dad made whilst bringing him up. These include his lack of acceptance of Adam’s sexuality and his inability to provide emotional support when Adam was suffering and lonely as a child, even before his premature death.
Adam expresses clearly how his dad’s actions and omissions made him feel at the time and the effect these have had on him since. We can see Adam, in his older, pained but more aware state, able to self-advocate in a way that he wouldn’t have been able to do as a child. In IFS therapy sessions, we utilise this exact process to help clients heal; we offer the client, with their grown up current awareness and with access to their in-built ‘Self’ energy (see here for a deeper explanation of Self in IFS), a safe space to revisit past memories and actively ‘be’ with the younger version of themselves so that deep and impactful healing can occur.
In the video clip, we can see how powerful, healing and effective this work and this process is, and how it allows Adam to deepen his posthumous relationship and gain a better understanding of his parents. We watch as his dad apologises, how the pain is very real but also releases from both men as they come together, and we see Adam receive the corrective experience he wanted so much as a young boy: the warm, imperfect and accepting embrace of his dad.
In one short and stunning scene, so much of the healing process has been captured. While there are no ghosts present in most therapy rooms as far as I know (!), this clip is very reminiscent of the deep healing that regularly occurs in IFS sessions, and is the reason why I am so passionate about, and regularly blown away by, this unique modality.
We all have parts of us that are burdened, traumatised and sad; they hold pain that our system has locked away for many years and often decades. Yet with the right approach, those burdens can be found, held and, oftentimes, released with relative ease. Working with a trained IFS therapist or practitioner offers an incredibly gentle and guided opportunity to visit these memories, to unlock their meaning and to find ways to balance and settle the system so that you end up feeling heard, seen and understood, bringing harmony and healing to the whole system.
HEART-WRENCHING AND DEEP: BUT ULTIMATELY HOPEFUL
While this film IS heart-breaking, and at times a very hard watch, it contains a huge amount of hope too. As IFS therapists, we are sometimes called (or call ourselves!) ‘hope merchants’. So with that in mind, the key hopeful messages I took from All of Us Strangers are:
The ability to re-parent and heal ourselves; at the end of the film, we learn that Adam’s healing and often supportive relationship with Harry was not what it seemed. While sad to the romantics amongst us (I know I was so wanting for them to make it work), this also demonstrates that Adam was in charge of his own healing: a key and very empowering aspect for clients of IFS therapy.
The incredible power of vulnerability and openness in bringing about healing and reconciliation for those who have hurt us or who we have hurt, when we are able to offer and receive this. The scene with Adam’s dad and also other incredible scenes with Claire Foy, demonstrate the power of repair, something which is fundamental to an IFS-informed view of parenting.
Love: in many forms. The love between Harry and Adam, the love between Adam and his parents, as imperfect and tragic as this ultimately was, the love between his parents themselves (e.g. when his mum says she is glad she died with her husband and wasn’t alone) and the compassion that we can begin to see that Adam has for himself. In IFS, many say that self-love and self-compassion IS the goal. As Adam’s awareness of all he has done and as he soaks up the messages of his parents that he has made them proud by surviving, his self-love is increasing before our eyes.
In summary, All Of Us Strangers is an incredible movie that will fully stay with you, that offers many triggers and sadnesses but also many glimmers of hope and healing. If you’re in therapy already, you may find it adds something to your own healing journey. If you’re exploring therapy, you may find the movie and perhaps some of the ideas raised here resonate and offer some signposts to the next step you would like to take.
I highly recommend this amazing film, but it’s definitely one to watch with a plentiful supply of tissues.
Keep your eyes peeled for more movie-related blog content in the next few months. In June, there is a VERY special Disney film coming out, for which I will be creating not one, but two blog posts. Message me if you can guess what it is!
If any of this post, or the issues inside this film, resonates with you and you’d like to know more about working with me, harnessing the IFS model with an Institute-trained practitioner and making sense of any issues that are described above or elsewhere on my website, then please reach out to me here.
I’d love to hold supportive and transformative space for you as you embark on your healing journey, begin the process of daring to be you and learn the magic of accessing your authentic self in a safe container.
With warm wishes,
Lucy Orton
Qualified Counsellor, IFS Therapist, Coach